D******.....

This past week in class we talked about the dreaded "D" word, divorce. Originally I had always thought of it as a "bad" word, one that I didn't really want to think about or deal with. And although I still hope I never face divorce personally, I have now realized it's not something I can completely avoid. Throughout my life I will probably know several couples that have divorced, and several children of similar couples. So I think it's important to understand because like it or not, we're going to have to deal with it at some point.

One thing that I found really interesting was that there are stages or "stations" of divorce. They include:

• emotional - detachment from your spouse and from the marriage in general
• legal - when the court says it's officially ended
• economic - division of resources
• co-parental - custody of children
• community - division of friends and other relationships
• psychic - becoming your own person again

I think these are important to understand for a few reasons. First of all, if you can recognize detachment in  your marriage early you can work to correct it. Perhaps you can even recognize it in a friend's or co-workers marriage and try to find ways to help them. Also, detachment is important when divorce actually happens. Sometimes divorce is necessary, and regardless after divorce both parties need to detach emotionally to have closure and move on in life. Another reason I think it's important to understand the stations of divorce is because many people get a divorce because they think it will be easier. When you look at all the changes that happen and things that need to be figured out, it doesn't look so easy. I also think it's important to understand the changes the couple is going through as they divorce. It enables you to better help and support them, and if they have children it gives you an idea of the different stressors the might be experiencing. Children also have to detach themselves emotionally from the idea of their parents' marriage. Their economic status will change, and so will their community. They'll have different living arrangements and see different friends, peers, and role models. And they too have to redefine their individual person a little bit.

There's a reason divorce is a topic most people like to avoid. It changes a lot of things in so many people's lives, and it's usually a pretty painful experience. But when we understand divorce a little bit better, I think we can not only prepare to help people who have gone through a divorce, we can also work to avoid it. So here's to my "some day" family! I hope we never have first-hand experience with divorce, but I also hope we can help and encourage those around us who do.